Tonight is definately one of those nights that all spouses of deployed military members go through... the one where you're sitting in a house after you put the kids to bed... and it's just so damn quiet. I'm sitting here, looking at pictures of my hubby, because that's the closest I'm going to get to him right now. There's a lump in my throat the size of a watermelon. I don't know how to explain this feeling. This is one of those nights that I'm just tired... tired of being here alone raising our three boys, tired of smiling in front of everyone and telling them I'm fine and then trying to hold it all together. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at the military, I'm angry at him for leaving me. I feel selfish because there are so many more wives that go through this longer than me and ones that have lost theirs, but when am I going to get my husband home for good?
I know the days are getting closer to the moment I'll see him again, but each one that goes by, it's so much farther from the moment I saw him last. You begin to forget their touch, their kiss, their smell... their clothes only smell like them for so long.
This is NOT me... I'm not one to feel sorry for myself. I need to keep pushing on. This is just a hurdle in the deployment "business", I know this. But I'm going to allow myself one night to hate this, hate his job, and hate the military for keeping my children's daddy away from them for so many months of their short lives. It's so hard to hear your 5 year old tell his Daddy to come home because he needs to give him a hug. A HUG. That my 3 year old keeps asking why Daddy can't come home tonight and tell him a scary story. And looking at my 1 year old, carbon copy of Daddy, knowing he's not going to recognize him in January when he comes home...
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"... because Lord, you know how much I need to accept these things right now. And please LORD, grant me the STRENGTH and COURAGE to make it through these next 7 months alone.
"Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high"
The good Lord was creating a model for military spouses and was into his sixth day of over-time when an angel appeared. She said, Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What’s wrong with the standard model?
The Lord replied, Have you seen the specs on this order? They need to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect host/hostess to four or 40 with an hour’s notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if they are pregnant and have the flu; and they must be willing to move to a new location 10 times in 17 years. And, oh yes, they must have six pairs of hands.
The angel shook her head. Six pairs of hands? No way.
The Lord continued, Don’t worry, we will make other military spouses to help them. And we will give them an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in their spouse’s achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is over-worked and tired, and be large enough to say, 'I don’t understand', when they don’t, and say, 'I love you' , regardless.
Lord, said the angel, touching his arm gently, Go to bed and get some rest. You can finish this tomorrow.
I can’t stop now, said the Lord. I am so close to creating something unique. Already this model heals themselves when they are sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave good-bye to their spouses from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand why it’s important that they leave.
The angel circled the model for military spouses, looked at it closely and sighed, It looks fine, but it’s too soft.
They might look soft, replied the Lord, but they have the strength of a lion. You would not believe what they can endure.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek of the Lord’s creation. There’s a leak, she announced. Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model.
The Lord appeared offended at the angel’s lack of confidence. What you see is not a leak, he said. It’s a tear.
“A tear? What is it there for? asked the angel.
The Lord replied, It’s for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride, and a dedication to all the values that they and their spouses hold dear.
You are a genius! exclaimed the angel.
The Lord looked puzzled and replied, I didn’t put it there.
~Author Unknown
We all have those nights. And even though you KNOW rationally that it could be worse, it's only a few months, everything will be ok, etc. it still SUCKS!! Your emotions don't know rationality. No matter how much you want to NOT feel sorry for yourself or angry at everything or fed up or miss him like no other and just want to be strong, you can't do it all the time. Don't feel bad or weak because you have these feelings, Cass. Deployments are HARD and it will overwhelm you sometimes. You are strong and you know it and Brian knows it and your boys know it. You'll make it through this one, just like you made it through the last three. Plus, this time you have me here! :) Stay busy (not like that's hard for you!) and look forward to his return and your family reunion. Love you guys!
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