Deployment #4

Yep, we are at that time of year again..... Brian deploying yet again. You'd think after the first one, I'd be prepared and know what to expect... not so much. The second one, I should have been more prepared and the third, it should have been cake. Not only does it get harder each time he goes, it gets much more lonelier. Yes, I may have three children to keep me busy... but there are so many more things that go along with a deployment that only military spouses can understand. From the tears after a painful goodbye at the airport, to the laughter and the kids "firsts" that you don't get to share, to when your kids ask, "Mommy, where is my daddy and why can't he come home?".

The hardest part of all is holding it all together. It sucks. I'm not going to lie. I have to be strong for my husband and for my kids. That is not a choice. I worry every second of every day, and until I know he is on the ground back here at home, I fear I'm going to lose him. I make myself sick watching the news to make sure nothing happened to him. He's been to this place before, and it was my hardest deployment ever. I guess I could say he's going to Iraq, but I can't tell you where, and I can't tell you when. Lovely military life.

Also we found out that we didn't get Texas... too many instructors down there. :( But we also will probably be apart longer than this deployment because Brian wants to put in for a remote (a year long) for somewhere and we get BOP (base of preference) following that tour. The kids and I would move to whatever base we get *fingers crossed for Hanscom in Mass* but we'll see. We should know pretty soon on that. Brian would be able to come home for about a month after his deployment and then go straight to the base for the remote. Fun Stuff. And we found all this out yesterday. Even better.

On a better note, Chan Man has learned to stand! He pulls himself up on everything!

AND, he turns one on April 2nd. Oh my god... it makes me so sad! My baby is going to be a one year old! He's a mouthy one year old too... Very opinionated.

So if I'm stressed in the next few months to the rest of the year, just know it's not you... or it could be you and I just won't tell you. ;) Just kidding. It's most likely the deployment.

And for the final note:
~You probably didn't realize
who was sitting next to you.
You rattled on about how silly
this anti-terrorist war is,
and that it's just a political ploy.

You said you'd never let your son
run off to fight,
and you'd throw a fit
if they just sent your husband off.

At that point,
I almost turned around and told you who I am.
I am a military spouse.

Life in the military has never been easy.
It means low pay with no overtime,
watching your husband go to work with a fever
because the doctor
didn't deem him sick enough for the day off.

It means years of rules and protocol
that wear on you like a dripping faucet late at night.

Don't even get me going on the weekly inspection of our yards.

We live with Terms like "Exercise"
which means 12 hour shifts.
And "TDY,"
which means your spouse
is gone for up to 180 days.

And "Remotes," which means your spouse is gone
for longer than 180 days.

And finally, "PCS,"
which means your whole family
is going on this ride.

Don't get me wrong, whining is not my intent here.

While the road we've been down in the military
hasn't always been paved;
it's been a good life.

My kids know you don't wait to make friends
because you never know how long they'll be here.

We know how precious good friends are
even when miles separate us.

It wasn't always in vogue to be patriotic.
Sept. 11 helped turn that tide,
but flags are fading around here again.

My husband is TDY (temporary duty) right now.
I'm not allowed to tell you where.
I'm 26 days into a 109-day TDY.

There have been too many times I have needed him here.
Forget the running of the home -
there are kisses and hugs that should be taking place.

I lie in bed and try to recall
what his breathing sounds like next to me-
or I hear the door open and try to envision him
walking in from work.

What I would give to hear his clear voice
without telephone static and worrying
about how much the phone call will cost us.
Then the deep fear -
what if this separation becomes permanent?

Distance is a horrible thief of what is precious,
because it only reminds us of how precious it is.

You kept on talking for a while.

I then realized I was picking up your tab.

You could sit there freely and give
your opinion because of the military families like ours.

We are paying the price for your freedom.

I've heard it said that soldiers
of the past, present and future
pay for the flag.

Nah, we're the threads it's woven with.~