Lessons to be learned

I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. -Mother T

Doesn't this quote sum up my life for the past week? Not only did my husband deploy, my son lost one of his friends from school. She was only 5. Five years old!!!! I found out the same day my husband left, and I've never needed him more than I needed him that day. Why? is the question I have continued to struggle with every day. Why... if there is a God, does He expect me to be so strong? Why do I have to do EVERYTHING alone?

I have been in a major struggle with the whole God thing since... well, for as long as I can remember. Being raised Catholic was not really something I enjoyed. I was afraid of all the things that I was "taught" and told about God. I was told I was going to be punished for everything I did. Instead of listening in church, I was daydreaming. I hated going to religion class and I made that very clear to my parents.

I've always believed you "choose" your life plan before you come here to earth. You choose when you want to be born, you choose your parents, you choose the events that will happen in your life, you choose your death. I believe we do this to create "lessons" that need to be learned that we haven't learned in past lives.

As for the obstacles that I've had to overcome to the lessons I've learned from each... well there have been so many. From losing a friend when I was 9, to my dad committing suicide when I was 19, to the things in between there that will forever stay trapped in my heart... all these damn deployments, the birth of my 4 pound fragile little boy, and Isabella's death. Why? Why would I choose to have stuff like this happen in my life? We each have our own burdens to carry, but from most of them, many people have learned a lesson. I have watched my dad STRUGGLE with depression, which I wish on NO ONE. A suicidal person is like a black hole...you can give and give and you will never fill it up. I was always told God wouldn't forgive people who commit suicide, that they would forever be in purgatory, so when he did, my world just crashed around me. What lesson could I have possibly learned from suicide? I have learned to forgive because of my dad. It took me about 5 years after his death to forgive my dad for being sick and leaving me and my family with the burden of Why? and start loving him for the strength he had to make it through this life, when he felt everything and everyone was against him. I have learned that people are going to make mistakes and holding grudges is just going to hurt myself more. I've learned I need to forgive others to move on in my life, no matter what they have done to hurt me.

Isabella's death has rocked my world more than I would have imagined. Going to see her mom and dad tore me apart, physically, emotionally and spiritually. This woman who just saw her daughter die, held on to her faith more than ever, KNOWING her daughter is in Heaven, eating all the candy, chocolate, frosting and anything else she couldn't have here on earth. She said in her eulogy (and I may not phrase this exactly as she said it) "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, but all I knew to do was to love you." HOW UNFAIR THAT GOD TOOK THIS WOMANS BABY AWAY FROM HER. This was a lesson for everyone. Cherish every moment you have with your loved ones, because they could be gone in the blink of an eye. My lesson? I'm still not sure, since this is so new, but I think I chose to meet this precious little girl and she was going to be my "savior". Her family was going to show me how that "believing" isn't so hard to do, even when something horrible happens to you.

Being a parent is not easy. I look at my kids everyday and I am so thankful. I have seen my 5 year old struggle with the loss of his friend and his daddy leaving all at once. I sometimes wonder if I underestimate the pain that he's feeling. I have seen him come into my room every night since we heard about Isabella, and I want so badly to know what's going on in my little boys head right now. He carried her picture to bed last night with the saddest look on his face. How do I take his sadness away? It's unfair. It's so unfair that this little boy has had most of his short life without his daddy. All I can do is to love him and hug him and let him know I'm here for him. I can't take away his pain, but I can try my hardest to help him through it.

"To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven..."

A time to be born, and
a time to die..."

"A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance..."


~I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything".

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me~

~Early morning
The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all my world

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me~
-The Fray, You Found Me